Warning: When my husband proofread this post, he said it was like stepping into the ramblings of my brain. If you would rather not make that journey...stop reading. :)
When I read this article entitled "when you've been wounded, cheated, disappointed and heartbroken" by Ann Voskamp...I totally related. Why do we carry the hurts around from our past? They are there, always waiting ready to rear their ugly head. Maybe someone says something to you that to any other person would mean nothing, but because of something in your past...it stings. You emotionally respond to it whether you mean to or not. You hash it over in your head again and again allowing each word to sting you over and over. You might even say something you regret later. Most of the time you just gather it all in and nurse it like a mortal wound. Wearing your scars like a badge of honor only you can see.
There comes a time when we have to let go of these things and forgive. Forgive the past, forgive the person who may or may not even realize they hurt you. It's not really about them anyway, it's about you (...it's about me.) It's all about a choice...blessings vs. curses. Grace and forgiveness vs. condemnation and bitterness. Every time those uncontrolled emotional responses come, we have a choice to say yes. Say yes-- to grace and forgiveness or say yes--- to all those other nasty attitudes and feelings.
I have to admit more often than not, I say yes to the wrong things. I'm self-centered and whine about all my injustices. I offer up curses instead of blessings. I respond negatively to my circumstances instead of offering them up to the One who can heal those hurts made long ago. This is where I struggle...as a Christian (who is also a perfectionist) I feel like I should be above all this. That my emotions should never betray me or cause me to act in a way that is "unholy". But the fact is, I'm just figuring out my way along this path called life just like everybody else. Sometimes I stumble, fall down, and get a big boo-boo or have my pride bruised. I just know which direction I'm headed and I've come to far to turn back. So it's more of a matter of letting God work in these things for my good.
I like how Ann puts it in this article when she says:
"...Your forgiveness working surprising ways in me.
The longer I walk with you, Lord, I find I have no enemies: only your gift of chisels etching me deep."
I pray that the Lord will continue to work surprising ways in me and use all these things from my past and present to etch deep on my soul His plan and purpose for me. I know this process will likely hurt a bit, but I know my life will look so much better in the hands of the Master Sculptor.
